Friday will be the last day of my bulimia years. It’s not the end of my eating disorders, but I couldn’t have bulimia episodes like I used to have.
I clearly don’t feel ready especially since knowing I have to stop makes a big mess in my eating behaviour, and makes me binge whenever I can do it, like if I couldn’t eat anymore once bulimia ended.
I read a lot of books about recovery but even if I found in them a lot of advices and they learned me a lot of things, the main problem is still here : I feel a big emptiness in me, and I don’t know how to fill it otherwise than with food.
Bulimia (and anorexia in its days) makes things intense without requiring or making life exceptionnal. I don’t need to travel, to have a powerful job or anything else to make my life busy : eating disorders is enought. I can have a “normal” life : I have a boyfriend, a permanent contract for a full-time job, I just bought a house, I have time to make what I like, etc, but/and bulimia makes all of these more intense.
Bulimia doesn’t prevent me to live “normally”, in fact, it permits me having a normal life without being bored because there always the buzzing of eating disorders. My mind is always full of throughs about compensating the last binge eating episode, when will be my next meal, what will I eat, when will be my next binge eating episode, when will I do the groceries for it, will I have enough time to workout today, if I eat this can I eat that,… It’s burdensome, but it’s intense and it fills my mind and my time.
I know I could find healthy activities to occupy myself, but I never found something as intense as eating disorders. Reading, doing yoga, drawing, making crafts, etc, are not as powerful as ED, they can’t replace it. And I think it’s the main problem now : I’m attached to bulimia because I didn’t find any alternative to it. Nothing calm me down, occupy myself as bulimia, nothing makes things as intense as it.