I don’t really know when it all began… I remember that the last moment without any trouble was in 2001, in December, everything was still ok. Then, I remember the February’holidays : I started to make scissors and sit-up to improve my body. Though, I was thin, I weighted 48kg (107lbs) for 5’2” without any privation, it even was the opposite !
So, exercises in February. In June, I had an angina which makes me lost 2kg (4,4lbs) and I felt better with my body whereas it wasn’t a preoccupation before. So I decide to intentionally lose weight in order to feel even better. I restricted my intake, deleted biscuits, chocolate, desserts, etc, and made exercises each morning and each evening, especially abs because my stomach seemed to bloated to me.
In September, I started high-school and I weighted 39kg (86lbs). My parents were worried about my health, so they took me to the doctor who diagnosed depression and anorexia nervosa. He said to my parents write that I had to be hospitalized and write a letter to give at the hospital.
In October, I have been hospitalized one week. I weighted 38kg (84lbs) and doctors make me sign a contract : end of the hospitalisation at 43kg and more (95lbs), permissions for a half-day at 41kg and more (90lbs) and nasogastric tube under 36kg (79lbs).
I wasn’t cooperative at all so doctor let me leave because they can’t do anything if I don’t want. But, before I leave, they told me that under 38 kg (84lbs), they had to re-hospitalized me. And one week later, I came back to the hospital. And not for a week this time, but for six months and 4 days. From 2001, November to 2002, May.
From November to February, my weight stayed constant at 36kg (79lbs). Doctors were angry because they can’t do anything until I wasn’t under this weight. So all this months were a status quo. I didn’t want to give up and they couldn’t override their own contract.
But in March, doctors imposed me the nasogastric tube because I had already spent too much time at the hospital despite the scales never display a weight under 36kg (79lbs). So, of course, my weight increased. I hated that : even without eating I got fatter. So I decided to eat what they give me in order to leave this place quickly and restricted again after.
One or two time a week during the six months spent at the hospital, I had an appointment with a child psychiatrist and a psychiatrist. They were irritating and narrow-minded, even my parents thought this. Both of the psys tried to make me match with the typical cases of anorexia like the disease means that I wanted to stay a child, it was a regression. Whereas it was the exact opposite : I wanted to be independent, self-ruling, invincible and effective.
At the beginning, I tried to tell them this, but they didn’t listen to me and continue in their logic. So quickly, I stopped to talk, I stayed silent during all the appointments.
Finally, I reached 43kg (95lbs) in May, so they let me go. But even if my weight was ok, I was still sick in my head, they didn’t cure me, they just ensured that my weight was sufficient. So, I bustled about losing the weight I took during the previous month.
But I had to be careful because I had medical appointment with weighting every two weeks, and being under 38kg (84lbs) meant hospitalization. At the beginning, there wasn’t any problem, but arrived under this limit, I had to drink water before the appointment to make the scales display a sufficient weight. This is how I could drop until 33kg (73lbs) without anyone responds.
My parents saw I was losing weight and the doctors probably wasn’t dupe about the water I drank before the appointment, but the scales didn’t given any number under 36kg (73lbs) so they couldn’t do anything.
And finally, it’s me who change the tendency. Under 35kg (77lbs), my weight decrease faster and faster, I was jubilant, but I was afraid too because I realized that something escapes me, I didn’t control the loss (few month later, I discovered this loss was my muscles which were wasting away because my body didn’t have any other reserves to draw into).
And this fear which make me eat the chocolate bars I had accumulated during the previous month (without eat them, just watching), because I knew that I was loosing too much weight too faster.
It was my first binge eating episode, we were in 2002, October. And it never stopped. I took a lot of weight very quickly, my weight (almost) doubled in less than one year, until 65kg (143lbs), I was unable to stop eating, I hated my body.
I spent all my high-school years fighting against myself instead of laughing with friends, having a first boyfriend, having all of the first experiences that adolescents generally have. I wasted too much time.
My parents saw I wasn’t happy, but I was angry against everybody and refused any help, and in fact, I didn’t tell anything to anyone. It really has been a chaotic period, full of hate, wrath and struggle.
Now, ten years later, I still have binge eating episodes, but I learned to deal with them, to control them for lack of suppress them. I’m more serene and happy. I still have issue with my body and with food, I’m still feeling a kind of fascination about thinness, but I also know what is reasonable and good for my physical health and mental health.
That’s why I created this Tumblr : I want to motivate myself to keep a good health, living without lies or physical weakness, eating healthy meal without being to strict or excessive, doing some exercices without exhaust myself and take care of me.
So I still have problems, but they didn’t control me anymore.