March 25, 2012
“The leap of faith is this: You have to believe, or at least pretend you believe until you really believe it, that you are strong enough to take life face on. Eating disorders, on any level, are a crutch. They are also an addiction and an illness, but there is no question at all that they are quite simply a way of avoiding the banal, daily, itchy pain of life. Eating disorders provide a little private drama, they feed into the desire for constant excitement, everything becomes life-or-death, everything is terribly grand and crashing, very Sturm und Drang. And they are distracting. You don’t have to think about any of the nasty minutiae of the real world, you don’t get caught up in that awful boring thing called regular life, with its bills and its breakups and its dishes and laundry and groceries and arguments over whose turn it is to change the litter box and bedtimes and bad sex and all that, because you are having a real drama, not a sitcom but a GRAND EPIC, all by yourself, and why would you bother with those foolish mortals when you could spend hours and hours with the mirror, when you are having the most interesting sadomasochistic affair with your own image?”
Wasted, Marya Hornbacher
ED to fill boredom… Currently, this is often true for me : sometimes, I stop struggle, I give up to bulimia because I’ve nothing else to do or because I have the opportunity to do it. It gives me a goal, it keeps me busy to plan the crisis, to have it and then, to rebuilt all that the bulimia crisis destroyed. I should have a passion but everything seems to vain and boring, there’s nothing which occupy me enough to turn away from ED. But I still try to escape from this vicious circle made of destruction and rebuilding.
